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Joke thread
Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3 ... 58, 59, 60
 
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USA Cinder VIP (subscribed member)
Commodore
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 21, 2012 6:51 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


This might have been posted before. Don't tell me so.. just read it and enjoy it. OR not.


NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
_________________
A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please.
Poland molossus VIP (subscribed member)
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Location: Szczecin and Warsaw (Poland)

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PostPosted: Thu Nov 22, 2012 2:14 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


Very Happy Great Cinder! Thank you!
_________________
"The piano keys
Are black and white
But they sound like a million colours in your mind"
(from Spider's Web by Katie Melua)
---
Avatar is from work of art by Drew Struzan
Wolf
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 28, 2012 4:36 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


Very good one Cinder. Very Happy

A picture my Uncle sent me recently:



And for a joke:

Quote:
There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

_________________
Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate... leads to suffering.
USA Cinder VIP (subscribed member)
Commodore
Commodore



Joined: May 15, 2005
Member#: 10213
Posts: 3242
Location: Washington state

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 12, 2015 4:46 pm   Post subject: Nothing Funny since~~ Reply with quote


Oh my gosh! It has been like 2 years since a joke or story was posted. No wonder we are draggin' around.

Your Duck is Dead

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm
sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure ?" she protested. " I mean you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck
from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from
head to foot.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100 % certifiably, and 100% certainty a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$150!" she cried, " $ 150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged,"I'm sorry....if you had just taken my word for it, the
bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report, and the Cat Scan,
it's now $150."
_________________
A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please.
USA Cinder VIP (subscribed member)
Commodore
Commodore



Joined: May 15, 2005
Member#: 10213
Posts: 3242
Location: Washington state

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 12, 2015 4:49 pm   Post subject: Statues in the park Reply with quote


There are two statues in a park;
One of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a path way for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for
thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's!
But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you poop on its head.'.!!

AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING.?...
_________________
A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please.
USA Cinder VIP (subscribed member)
Commodore
Commodore



Joined: May 15, 2005
Member#: 10213
Posts: 3242
Location: Washington state

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 12, 2015 5:05 pm   Post subject: after surgery Reply with quote


Sex after surgery!

A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard,has sued Wellington Hospital , saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: "Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight!
_________________
A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please.
USA Cinder VIP (subscribed member)
Commodore
Commodore



Joined: May 15, 2005
Member#: 10213
Posts: 3242
Location: Washington state

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 23, 2015 4:50 pm   Post subject: Mad Hubby Reply with quote


A woman goes to the doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The doctor asks, "What's the problem?

The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband
seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The doctor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is
getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your
mouth. Just swish and swish, but don't swallow it until he either he leaves
the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and
reborn.

The woman says, "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband
started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he
calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The doctor says, "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth
shut that does the trick."
_________________
A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please.
USA Cinder VIP (subscribed member)
Commodore
Commodore



Joined: May 15, 2005
Member#: 10213
Posts: 3242
Location: Washington state

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 23, 2015 5:01 pm   Post subject: Men vs Women Reply with quote


WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED



Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.

___________________________________


Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators...YEP!!!
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man can forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
_________________
A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please.
USA Cinder VIP (subscribed member)
Commodore
Commodore



Joined: May 15, 2005
Member#: 10213
Posts: 3242
Location: Washington state

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 23, 2015 5:15 pm   Post subject: Thoughtful Reply with quote


A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub.
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "Christine put your hat and coat on lassie."


She replied, "Aah Malcolm that's nice. Are you taking me tae the pub with you?"



"Nay," Malcolm replied. "I'm turning the heat off while I'm out."
_________________
A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please.
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