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 Robert_Locksley
Commander
Joined: Apr 14, 2003
Member#: 980
Posts: 536
Location: British Columbia
   
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 Posted:
Thu Jun 03, 2004 6:55 pm Post subject: |
 
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Well, here goes:
Robin Williams for President
Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we
need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.
Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)
I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan:
1. The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their
affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Noriega,
Milosovich and the rest of those 'good ole boys, 'We will never "interfere" again. 2. We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with
Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We
would station troops at our borders. No one sneaking through holes in the fence. 3. All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France would welcome them. 4. All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers. 5. No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby. 6. The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while. 7. Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.) 8. If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything. 9. Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens. 10. All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. 11. The Language we speak is ENGLISH....learn it...or LEAVE... Now, ain't that a winner of a plan.
AND FINALLY
"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.'
She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'"
_________________
"Get it?...Got it!...GOOD!" -- The Court Jester |
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Wolf99
Ensign
Joined: Nov 02, 2003
Member#: 3543
Posts: 33
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Posted:
Thu Jun 03, 2004 7:03 pm Post subject: |
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What do you call a gay dinosaur: mega-sore-ass
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur: lick-a-lot-a-puss |
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 Obi-son
Captain
Joined: Sep 10, 2002
Member#: 211
Posts: 1897
Location: Winchester,Va, USA
 
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Posted:
Thu Jun 03, 2004 7:56 pm Post subject: |
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ok:
2 hillbillys are siting on the front porch. they are talk about this and that and watch the one hillbillys dog walk up and sit down. Then the dog starts licking his nuts. One hillybilly says "boy wish i could do that." the other Hillbilly looks at him and says "Not me he'll bite ya"
_________________
If you have it you don't need it. If you need it you don't have it. You need it to get it and you certainly need it to get more of it. Which means you don't have it to begin with people just know. |
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jackal
Cadet 2
Joined: Nov 02, 2003
Member#: 3554
Posts: 6
Location: The Netherlands
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Posted:
Fri Jun 04, 2004 6:56 am Post subject: |
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A man enters a policestation with a big smile and says "My car is stolen!!!". A policeman replies "But why then are you smiling?". The man answer to the policeman "My mother inlaw was still in it!"  |
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 Muriel 
Admiral (Administrator)
Joined: Jan 25, 2003
Member#: 333
Posts: 712
Location: Norway
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Posted:
Fri Jun 04, 2004 8:27 am Post subject: |
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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with the most beautiful, perfect breasts. He says to her
- "Hey Miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100 dollars?
- "Are you nuts?", she replies and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
- "Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
- "Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"
So the guy runs again around the next block and faces her again:
- "OK, would you let me bite your breasts just once for 10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and
- "Hmmm 10,000 dollars, eh? OK, just once, but not here. Let's go to that alley over there"
So they went to the alley and she takes off the blouse to reveal the most beautiful breasts he'd ever seen. Immediately he leaps at them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them.........but not biting.
Finally the woman gets all annoyed and asks:
- "Are you gonna bite them or what?"
- "Nah", he replies, "Costs too much!"
_________________
"Anything one man can imagine,
other men can make real."
- Jules Verne |
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Legolas
Commander
Joined: Aug 08, 2002
Member#: 178
Posts: 857
Location: Drunkest state in USA
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Posted:
Fri Jun 04, 2004 9:55 am Post subject: |
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A small zoo in CANADA acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating.
The zookeeper approaches a local Canadian visitor whos name is Robert with a proposition. “Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?” he asks.
Robert accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: “First, I don’t want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this.” The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.
“Well,” says Robert, “I’m gonna need another week to come up with the $500.” |
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JERIC
Fleet Admiral (Proprietor)
Joined: Feb 12, 2002
Member#: 1
Posts: 4939
Location: Richmond, VA
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Posted:
Fri Jun 04, 2004 10:10 am Post subject: |
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LOL, I like your personal touch there Lego.
_________________
"Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained? Is this not why you are here?." -Maximus
Please do not PM me. Use email, Feedback or Contact Us links. |
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Maeltne
Lieutenant Junior Grade
Joined: May 08, 2004
Member#: 6602
Posts: 87
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
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Posted:
Fri Jun 04, 2004 12:09 pm Post subject: |
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A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
(sorry for the cop-out.. Blonde-jokes are so easy)
Love ya!
_________________
A good composer does not imitate; he steals.
~ Igor Stravinsky |
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 j2brown
Commodore
Joined: Feb 22, 2002
Member#: 9
Posts: 3188
Location: Sterling, VA
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Posted:
Fri Jun 04, 2004 2:06 pm Post subject: continuing the customization trend |
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Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day,
were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker.
The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been
given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the
participants.
The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do
you have a last request?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love original scores. Could
you please play a track from Chicago for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden.
He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you,
son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said Cal*, "kill me first."
*used without permission.
jeff
sdg |
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Caliburn
Guest
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Posted:
Fri Jun 04, 2004 4:13 pm Post subject: |
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lol! funny :-) |
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Wolf
Lieutenant Commander
Joined: Mar 06, 2002
Member#: 16
Posts: 448
Location: Right behind you...
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Posted:
Tue Jun 08, 2004 5:41 am Post subject: |
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Ok, next one from me:
An explorer in the deepest amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says to himself: "I'm screwed".
Just then a ray of light comes from the sky and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bach in the head of the chief". The explorer picks up the stone and proceedes to bach in the heads of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: "Okay… NOW your'e screwed!"
_________________
Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate... leads to suffering. |
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Caray
Lieutenant Commander
Joined: Oct 17, 2002
Member#: 243
Posts: 408
Location: France
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Posted:
Tue Jun 08, 2004 5:55 am Post subject: |
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OK, another one on Michael Jackson. I'm not sure it translates well.
What is the difference between Jackson and a plastic bag ?
One is white, made of plastic, and dangerous for children
The other one is useful to carry your shopping
_________________
My reality cheque bounced |
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Wolf
Lieutenant Commander
Joined: Mar 06, 2002
Member#: 16
Posts: 448
Location: Right behind you...
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Posted:
Tue Jun 08, 2004 10:55 am Post subject: |
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LOL. Good one Caray and yes, it translates ok.
Here is another one of me, keeping on the spiritual side of things. 
Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
_________________
Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate... leads to suffering. |
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Robert_Locksley
Commander
Joined: Apr 14, 2003
Member#: 980
Posts: 536
Location: British Columbia
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Posted:
Tue Jun 08, 2004 10:58 am Post subject: |
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***WARNING - This joke is NOT intended as an insult to the USA!!!***
At New York Kennedy airport today, an individual later
discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a
flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide
rule and a calculator.
Attorney general John Ashcroft believes the man is a member
of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged with
carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed", Ashcroft said.
"They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go
off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of
quite shadowy figures, with names like "x" and "y", and, although they are
frequently referred to as "unknowns," we know they really belong to a
common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with
coordinates in every country.
"As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there
are 3 sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said,
"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He
would have given us more fingers and toes."
_________________
"Get it?...Got it!...GOOD!" -- The Court Jester |
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Wolf
Lieutenant Commander
Joined: Mar 06, 2002
Member#: 16
Posts: 448
Location: Right behind you...
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Posted:
Tue Jun 08, 2004 12:48 pm Post subject: |
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Very nice Robert. Very nice indeed.
_________________
Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate... leads to suffering. |
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