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SlowMo
Lieutenant Commander
Joined: Mar 20, 2002
Member#: 29
Posts: 390
Location: Ghent, Belgium
    
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 Posted:
Mon Sep 02, 2002 2:01 am Post subject: The voodoo (male appendage) - for Expat |
 
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Title  and spoilered by j2brown to make it a bit more family friendly.
Spoiler:
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildo's, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of thing that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!" |
_________________
"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect 'Hungry.'" -- Gary Larson |
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Clem
Lieutenant Junior Grade
Joined: Apr 23, 2002
Member#: 61
Posts: 66
Location: Clermont-Fd, France
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Posted:
Mon Sep 02, 2002 10:32 am Post subject: The voodoo penis - for Expat |
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LOL!!
I crack up at this one each time I hear it.
We have it in France as well.
_________________
The day people will trust one another, there will be peace on earth. |
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 the_lake_effect
Lieutenant Commander
Joined: Nov 21, 2005
Member#: 12520
Posts: 485
Location: Kidnapped by Un-Americans
 
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Posted:
Thu Dec 22, 2005 12:41 am Post subject: |
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In the version I heard about 10 years ago in prep. school, instead of a "voodoo penis", it was called a "f---monster".
(I know, old post, but not many people make it back here in the forum topics.)
_________________
When all else fails, consider time travel.
Stories are for children, skyscrapers, and anyone wishing to reach for the stars.
The truthiness shall set you free. |
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Caliburn
Guest
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Posted:
Thu Dec 22, 2005 4:09 am Post subject: |
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My god LOL
bored at work or something? |
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 TreeBob
Commander
Joined: Mar 12, 2004
Member#: 5527
Posts: 671
Location: Gatineau, QC
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Posted:
Thu Dec 22, 2005 8:20 am Post subject: |
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That was a great joke!!!!!
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Pixie "Actually Tree, I wasn't referring to you as a dingus, but seems like you might just qualify as one now!" |
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the_lake_effect
Lieutenant Commander
Joined: Nov 21, 2005
Member#: 12520
Posts: 485
Location: Kidnapped by Un-Americans
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Posted:
Thu Dec 22, 2005 3:01 pm Post subject: |
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Cal, the chat was dead and for fun I dared to venture past the forum's first page. I got to read the non-censored material. Once you read it, you can't un-read it. 
_________________
When all else fails, consider time travel.
Stories are for children, skyscrapers, and anyone wishing to reach for the stars.
The truthiness shall set you free. |
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Asriana
Commander
Joined: Aug 10, 2005
Member#: 11184
Posts: 945
Location: Michigan, USA
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Posted:
Thu Dec 22, 2005 5:24 pm Post subject: |
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Besides - not all of us were around in 2002 
_________________
"Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it." ~ Marshall McLuhan |
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TreeBob
Commander
Joined: Mar 12, 2004
Member#: 5527
Posts: 671
Location: Gatineau, QC
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Posted:
Sat Dec 31, 2005 9:30 pm Post subject: |
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| Asriana wrote: |
| Besides - not all of us were around in 2002 |
2002!!!! There was internet in 2002!!
_________________
Pixie "Actually Tree, I wasn't referring to you as a dingus, but seems like you might just qualify as one now!" |
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the_lake_effect
Lieutenant Commander
Joined: Nov 21, 2005
Member#: 12520
Posts: 485
Location: Kidnapped by Un-Americans
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Posted:
Sat Dec 31, 2005 10:07 pm Post subject: |
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The world was young. I-pods were a technological marvel everyone that knew, would love. President Bush was protecting us from all that would do us harm. We were still trying to figure out Anakin Skywalker's career of choice. And we knew Britney Spears would meet the coolest, most wonderful and endearing man to fall in love with.
Oh, such nostalgia. *performs additional self-lobotomy*
_________________
When all else fails, consider time travel.
Stories are for children, skyscrapers, and anyone wishing to reach for the stars.
The truthiness shall set you free. |
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Tjoe
Commander
Joined: Apr 30, 2004
Member#: 6471
Posts: 553
Location: Second City
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Posted:
Sun Jan 01, 2006 11:11 am Post subject: |
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_________________
"insert your own clever quote here.... I'm too lazy to do it." |
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 Obi-son
Captain
Joined: Sep 10, 2002
Member#: 211
Posts: 1897
Location: Winchester,Va, USA
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Posted:
Sun Jan 01, 2006 8:40 pm Post subject: |
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pfff young ones. 
_________________
If you have it you don't need it. If you need it you don't have it. You need it to get it and you certainly need it to get more of it. Which means you don't have it to begin with people just know. |
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the_lake_effect
Lieutenant Commander
Joined: Nov 21, 2005
Member#: 12520
Posts: 485
Location: Kidnapped by Un-Americans
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DonBex
Cadet 2
Joined: Dec 31, 2005
Member#: 12883
Posts: 7
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Posted:
Tue Jan 03, 2006 12:35 pm Post subject: |
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Oh... what a stupid thing... LMAO |
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Jade_Kadir
Ensign
Joined: Dec 09, 2005
Member#: 12707
Posts: 33
Location: Missoula, MT
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Posted:
Sat Aug 12, 2006 3:41 am Post subject: |
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Too funny. *GiggleSnort*
_________________
"But as for me I am tormented with an everlasting itch for things remote."
- From "Moby Dick" by Herman Melville. |
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Obi-son
Captain
Joined: Sep 10, 2002
Member#: 211
Posts: 1897
Location: Winchester,Va, USA
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Posted:
Sat Aug 12, 2006 6:43 am Post subject: |
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*blows dust off thread*
_________________
If you have it you don't need it. If you need it you don't have it. You need it to get it and you certainly need it to get more of it. Which means you don't have it to begin with people just know. |
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