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Joke thread
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Canada Robert_Locksley
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 08, 2004 1:22 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


Glad you liked it Wolf! Smile

Here is the latest in technology for the Police Force:

Police in Radnor , Pennsylvania , interrogated a suspect by
placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a
photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier,
and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect
wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the
suspect confessed.
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jackal
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 09, 2004 4:33 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


Hopefully I translated this joke the right way. It’s a bit gross

A man walks into a gay bar and sits down on a barstool next to John and George. After he had a few beers he suddenly farts with a squeaky sound. John hears this and nudged George and says “Look he’s still a virgin”.
Pixie VIP (subscribed member)
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 09, 2004 5:28 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


Shocked

I think/hope the translation was off???

That didn't exactly seem, well, funny.
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 09, 2004 9:41 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


lol... yeah, I'm pretty sure that Pixie's response was actually funnier than the joke itself.
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 10, 2004 5:46 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


I get the message. I guess that my joke stinks. HaHa erm..

"madam put away those rotten tomatos"

"Sir where are those eggs for?"

"AArgh..."


From now on I will stick to the more serious threads. Embarassed
Canada Robert_Locksley
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 10, 2004 10:27 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


How the Internet Began

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham
Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town
to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy
tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will
reply telling you which hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony
Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold
all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his
tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret
himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical
Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up
every drum company in the land.

And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother
Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be
known, "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO,"
said Abraham.

And that is how it all began.
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 10, 2004 2:25 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


A man walked into a quiet bar. He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He placed them one beside the other upon the bar.

He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with the bartender. The bartender was surprised, but experienced and had learned not to ask people about animals they bring into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks.

They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had to go to the restroom. He left the ducks there on the bar.

The bartender was alone with the ducks. There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one another.

The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little conversation.
"Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck.
"Huey," replied the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day! What else could a duck want?", said the duck.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.

Then he said to the second duck, "Hi And what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?", he asked.
"Great Lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been in and out of puddles all day myself. If I had the chance another day I'd do the same again!", said the duck in reply.

So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, "My name is Puddles. and don't even ask what kind of day I've had!"
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 10, 2004 3:19 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


lame joke: What did the one mellon say to the other mellon when he proposed?

We're too young, we cantaloupe.
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Canada Robert_Locksley
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 10, 2004 3:22 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


Like you stated, lame joke! Wink I just received this from a friend:
    A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blonde for her driver's license.

    The blonde driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"

    The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."

    The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.

    After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing."

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 10, 2004 7:27 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


lol!

Ok, another one from me (and again a bit spiritual, what is it with me a spiritual jokes...):

A visit by the Pope to New York:

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the kerb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there - the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 10, 2004 8:21 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


Wolf, didn't you already post that joke?

Now that is funny!
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 11, 2004 1:31 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


I guess Wolf really likes that joke. LOL
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 11, 2004 10:15 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


Ok. Here's one of my favorite blonde jokes:

A blonde comes home from work to find a fire in her kitchen. She picks up the phone and dials 911. "HELP, my house is on fire" she tells the dispatcher. The dispatcher says" Ok ma'm just calm down and tell us how to get to your house" The blonde replies " You come in a big red truck, duh!!"
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 11, 2004 11:58 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


Eeeesh!!! Short term memory loss... It was 3am here when I posted it... But yes, I like that joke a lot. Wink
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 11, 2004 2:17 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


Ok.... I am positive I did not tell this one:

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
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