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 zgurl49
Commander
Joined: Aug 08, 2006
Member#: 15310
Posts: 824
Location: Minot, ND
    
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 Posted:
Thu Mar 05, 2009 12:53 pm Post subject: |
 
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Got this one in an email from my mom:
Never argue with a Woman
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out...
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
And begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Wardenin his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
_________________
Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die tomorrow. - James Dean |
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maddy
Lieutenant Commander
Joined: Jun 25, 2003
Member#: 2207
Posts: 452
Location: Houston, TX
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Posted:
Tue Mar 10, 2009 7:53 am Post subject: |
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Cinder double dog-dared me to post this so here it is. With a little editing on my part.
5 MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings..
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Lesson Learned:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
********************************
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Lesson Learned:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
********************************
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Lesson Learned:
Always let your boss have the first say.
********************************
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Lesson Learned:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
********************************
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of droppings, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more droppings, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree..
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Lesson Learned:
Bulls**t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
********************************
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lays there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Lessons Learned:
(1) Not everyone who s**ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s**t is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep doo doo, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Congratulations!!! THIS ENDS YOUR 5 MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE...
_________________
It's hard to soar with dragons when you work with gargoyles!
http://tinyurl.com/ltrodr
http://www.mostphotos.com/maddys713/portfolio
http://www.cutcaster.com/studio/pub/784218913
Last edited by maddy on Tue Mar 10, 2009 8:10 am; edited 1 time in total |
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maddy
Lieutenant Commander
Joined: Jun 25, 2003
Member#: 2207
Posts: 452
Location: Houston, TX
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Posted:
Tue Mar 10, 2009 8:08 am Post subject: |
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And here is another one.
The Best Smart A** Answers of 2008!
SMART A** ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART A** ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART A** ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
SMART A** ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART A** ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him, and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
SMART A** ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family; but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-@$$ student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's d@mn near perfect.
 by SiriusCreations for language
_________________
It's hard to soar with dragons when you work with gargoyles!
http://tinyurl.com/ltrodr
http://www.mostphotos.com/maddys713/portfolio
http://www.cutcaster.com/studio/pub/784218913
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Cinder 
Commodore
Joined: May 15, 2005
Member#: 10213
Posts: 3317
Location: Washington state
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Posted:
Tue Mar 10, 2009 2:45 pm Post subject: |
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The challenge was well done Maddy!!!!
The dogs were impressed as well!
Bravooo Bravooooo!!!!
_________________
A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please. |
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Cinder
Commodore
Joined: May 15, 2005
Member#: 10213
Posts: 3317
Location: Washington state
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Posted:
Wed Mar 11, 2009 3:02 am Post subject: |
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Subject: Note to animals(post low on refigerator)
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered.  Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's backside.  I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
(1) eat less
(2) don't ask for money all the time
(3) are easier to train
(4) normally come when called
(5) never ask to drive the car
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people
(7) don't smoke or drink
(8 ) don't want to wear your clothes
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college
and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children!!
_________________
A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please. |
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maddy
Lieutenant Commander
Joined: Jun 25, 2003
Member#: 2207
Posts: 452
Location: Houston, TX
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Cinder
Commodore
Joined: May 15, 2005
Member#: 10213
Posts: 3317
Location: Washington state
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Posted:
Thu Mar 12, 2009 1:15 am Post subject: |
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Another Pet story.. of sorts.
Yesterday I was buying 2 large tins of Pedigree Chum at
COSTCO for my dogs Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think, that I had an elephant? Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Pedigree Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time.
On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs
in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the
way that it works is to load your plate with Pedigree Chum and
simply eat one or two platefuls every time you feel hungry and that the
food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my backside and a car hit me!
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
COSTCO won't let me shop there anymore.
by j2brown for content.
_________________
A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please. |
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maddy
Lieutenant Commander
Joined: Jun 25, 2003
Member#: 2207
Posts: 452
Location: Houston, TX
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Posted:
Wed Apr 08, 2009 8:02 am Post subject: |
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Here's an exercise for folks over 50. But don't worry...you can never start too early when it comes to exercising!!
And this one is from Cinder as well...
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each bag!!!
_________________
It's hard to soar with dragons when you work with gargoyles!
http://tinyurl.com/ltrodr
http://www.mostphotos.com/maddys713/portfolio
http://www.cutcaster.com/studio/pub/784218913
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Cinder
Commodore
Joined: May 15, 2005
Member#: 10213
Posts: 3317
Location: Washington state
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Posted:
Thu Apr 16, 2009 2:33 am Post subject: |
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EXPRESSIONS FOR WOMEN ON HIGH STRESS DAYS
1. You - Off my planet.
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?
6. I'm not crazy,I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
7. Allow me to introduce my selves.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you
realize you weren't asleep.
13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
14.
15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
16. You say I'm a Witch like it's a bad thing.
17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
19. Chaos, panic & disorder ! My work here is done.
20. Earth is full. Go home.
21. Is it time for your medication or mine?
22. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
23. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert
_________________
A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please. |
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 masked_platypus
Vice Admiral (Moderator)
Joined: Jul 19, 2007
Member#: 18358
Posts: 1179
Location: Chartres, France
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Posted:
Thu Apr 16, 2009 6:03 am Post subject: |
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Uh oh 
I'm afraid to know why the number 14. was erased...
_________________
There is no problem that can't be solve without any solution |
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LadyInque
Captain
Joined: May 20, 2005
Member#: 10281
Posts: 2224
Location: Eastern Massachusetts
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Posted:
Thu Apr 16, 2009 8:02 am Post subject: |
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I recently came across a collection of gentile jokes. Of course, they're only funny if you're familiar with stereotypical Jewish jokes, which I am. Here's a favorite:
| Quote: |
A man calls his mother and says, “Mother, I know you’re expecting me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can’t make it.”
His mother says, “OK.” |
If you like it, there are more here. You'll have to scroll down a bit.
_________________
I have a book coming out. Wanna see it?
http://www.jessicalevai.com/sternendach-a-vampire-opera-in-verse/ |
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Cinder
Commodore
Joined: May 15, 2005
Member#: 10213
Posts: 3317
Location: Washington state
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Posted:
Thu Apr 23, 2009 10:21 am Post subject: |
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_________________
A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please. |
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Cinder
Commodore
Joined: May 15, 2005
Member#: 10213
Posts: 3317
Location: Washington state
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Posted:
Tue Jun 09, 2009 9:35 am Post subject: |
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RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
(this was actually reported by a teacher)
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils “How they spent their holiday away from school”.
One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona . Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.
They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.
He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too..
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.
Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
..... PRICELESS
_________________
A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please. |
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 bpewien
Captain
Joined: Feb 01, 2006
Member#: 13275
Posts: 1334
Location: Vienna, Austria
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Posted:
Fri Jun 12, 2009 7:22 am Post subject: |
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One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's d@mn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started......
************************************************************************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?
And that's when the fight started.....
************************************************************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have s3x?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started.....
************************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....
by SiriusCreations for language
_________________
If our music survives, which I have no doubt it will,
then it will because it is good - Jerry Goldsmith (1929-2004) |
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 alien_avatar
Captain
Joined: Oct 28, 2006
Member#: 16007
Posts: 1342
Location: Berlin
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Posted:
Fri Jun 12, 2009 1:54 pm Post subject: |
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_________________
"Welcome to the paranoia club; cheapest fees in the universe and membership lasts forever."
- Peter F. Hamilton, The Evolutionary Void |
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