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Joke thread
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 12, 2010 6:12 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


Copper wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, A story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, after finding 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers"

One week later. A local newspaper in Ohio reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Findlay , OH . Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ohio had already gone wireless".

Buckeyes are such a proud bunch.
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 12, 2010 6:15 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


Little Billy retuns home from school one day and seems to have something on his mind. Billy has been hearing things on the playground and they have him all confused.This often happens to a first grader.
“Mom I need to ask you a question, ok?”
“Of course”, mom always answered his questions as best she could with the truth.
“Mom, what is pooberty?”
“OH you mean puberty?” she said,
“I guess so,” he nodded.
“Well,” she says, “that is when you begin to change from a little boy on your way to becoming a man like dad. Your body will start to grow. Your muscles will get stronger and larger. You will get so much taller. Your voice will go from a little boy’s voice to that a teenager then to a man’s voice. Also your body will grow hair on your face that you will shave like dad some day. Also under your arms, and on your chest.
You will also like girls and they will like you more than they do now. Finally, you will make different decisions than you do now as a little boy.”
“Hmmm mom, I sure hope this all happens on a Saturday when I am home! I don’t want to miss it!”
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 13, 2010 1:41 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


On the same way:

A small boy come to home and ask his mom:
"Mom. What does the word "vice" means?
- Well, said the embarassed mother. We use this term when someone does a very very bad thing, when he's trying to do some pain to other people, for exemple. But why are you crying, boy?
- At my club, they said I will be the vice-president!"
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 13, 2010 8:48 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


My dad sent me this one yesterday:

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 16, 2010 4:39 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't
handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't
handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a
conductor."
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 17, 2010 7:49 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


Umm... where's the customary warning to stop me if you've heard this one already?
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 17, 2010 7:59 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


btw I recently heard this nice joke. Music related so should be nice to post it here...


A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 17, 2010 10:47 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


Well exxxxxxcccccccuuuuuuuuussseeeeeeeee Me!


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 18, 2010 3:32 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


Laughing Nice one, Sirius ^^
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 18, 2010 3:38 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


bpewien wrote:
Laughing Nice one, Sirius ^^


btw: Spoiler:
Do not forget LadyInque and Cinder
Wink
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 27, 2010 6:54 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.

It's a bad one.Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's
interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God! "

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants
us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement,opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police"
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PostPosted: Sat May 15, 2010 7:42 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES USE BIRTH CONTROL.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don't Drink and Drive. You might hit a bump and spill something.

If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Time's fun when you're having flies. ...Kermit the Frog

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population

"You know why a banana is like a politician?"

"He comes in and first he is green, then he turns yellow and then he's rotten."
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 22, 2010 2:39 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


Get Out Of School

The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school.

"Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal.

"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," replies the
voice.

"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"

"We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice, "I hope it is all
right."

"I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is
calling?"

"Sure. This is my father!"
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 22, 2010 2:42 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


Don't blame me!!!! I just share the wealth!

Classic Groaner: Buffalo

Back in the 1960s, one animal rights group was outraged that open season had been declared on the great American buffalo to help thin the herd in and near some of our national parks.

They began herding the buffalo (by helicopter) into holding pens. The
buffalo would then be loaded onto railroad cars and shipped to places where there were no buffalo.

One very smart buffalo named Gus decided that the holding pen was not the place for him, so he staged a mutiny. Gus and ten of his fellow buffalo decided to make a break for it. They burst the gate of the holding pen and were free at last.

Early the next morning, they heard the sound of helicopters, so they hid.
Deciding it was too dangerous to stay in the park area, they headed south, toward Dallas, Texas. Grazing was not so good, so they came on farther south toward Houston. While at the Johnson Space Center, they learned about Cape Canaveral. The pictures were great: plenty of water, plenty of grass, and no helicopters. Gus and his friends headed for Florida.

They found the Cape and grazed to their hearts' content each day. As they grazed, a rocket was being readied for launch on a nearby pad. The order came for the area to be evacuated of all living animals. Gus and his friends continued to graze. To get them out of the area (for their own safety), NASA sent in helicopters to round up the buffalo. Gus and his friends recognized the sound and began running. They took cover under the rocket. They saw a
man walking near the pad, so they climbed the tower and into the top stage of the rocket, which was about to go into orbit.

Since no one knew where the buffalo were, NASA assumed they were clear of the area and continued the countdown. As the rocket lifted off, Gus and his friends became the "First herd shot around the world."
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 11, 2010 10:31 pm   Post subject: Why did the Chicken Cross the Star Trek Road? Reply with quote


WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Star Trek
CAPTAIN KIRK: To boldly go, where no chicken has gone before.
STAR TREK - Kirk: To . . . GET!  . . . totheOTHER! . . . SIDE!
Scotty: Because she couldna take much morrrrrre.
Kirk: You chicken bastard, you killed my son...YOU chicken BASTARD, you killed...my SON...you CHICKEN bastard....youkilledmy...son!
Bones: Dammit, I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist!
V'Ger: To join with the Creator.
Nurse Chapel: Oh, Spock!
Spock: Fascinating, Captain.
Uhura: Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir?
Chekov: It must have been on its way to assist in saving my life for the billionth time... did I scream this time?
Khan: With my last breath I spit at the chicken...
Sulu: Don't call me Tiny!
Sarek: Sometimes logic fails me where chickens are concerned.


Next Generation
Data: Ah....chicken....small bipedal ornithoid...reproduces by ovoid gestation...hen..fryer...I do babble, sir....
Riker: I don't know why, but I know how: with pleasure, sir.
Worf: I don't know. KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads.
Dr. Crusher: If there's nothing wrong with the chicken, there must be something wrong with the universe.
Troi: I feel the chicken's pain!
Data: The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of the 20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by an kind of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the usage of...yes, sir.
Geordi: Well, wherever it's going, I'm sure it'll have more luck with women than I do.
O'Brien: No problem, Commander, I'll get right on it.
Lwaxana: Oh, Jean-Luc!
Mr Homm: {silence}
Tasha: That depends...was it fully functional?
The Borg: Crossing the road is irrelevant. The chicken will be assimilated.
Hugh the Borg: Maybe it just needed a big hug!
Wesley: I'm not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a complete internal whootchacallit on the computers and...
Picard: There are four lights!
Q: Wouldn't you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain wouldn't be able to comprehend the answer.
The Grand Nagus: Stupid chicken! You don't cross the road all at once! You sneak across it quietly, without anyone noticing! Ferengi
Jake: Check out the babe that just came off that transport!

Voyager
HoloDoc: How should I know? No one tells me anything around here. I didn't even know we added chickens to the crew. All I know is that it would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the road, if it had remembered to turn me off!
Neelix: Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens in this system. But, if you catch it, I can cook it.
Harry: I don't know, it's my first mission.
Paris: Well, I think that...say, that's a lovely shirt you're wearing.
Janeway: Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha Quadrant...and it probably misses its dog.
B'Elanna: I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the bleeping regulations of bleeping Starfleet and just couldn't stand it any longer!
Kes: It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed roads all the time! They lost those abilities because they stopped using them!
Tuvok: That's not a question we'd prefer to hear from a senior officer. It makes the junior officers nervous.

Deep Space Nine
STAR TREK - Odo: I have no idea, but I bet Quark is behind it somehow.
Quark: Who, me?
Sisko: It was seeking deeper meaning. Jake, do you see what we've learned from all this?
Dax: To get to the other side. Kurzon might have disagreed with me, Tobin I'm sure wouldn't have had a clue, and then there's...
Kira: It was probably being chased by those cursed Cardassians.
Dr. Bashir: It probably heard about my amazing medical skills not to mention my sexual prowess and came to get some pointers.
Gul Dukat: Well, that's a very interesting question...I'm sure we can work out some kind of arrangement to obtain that information that will be to everyone's satisfaction. Cardassian

Movies-Star Trek Generations
Dr. Soran: His heart just wasn't in it. [Scenes of chicken torture with nanoprobes have been edited out.]


Gene Roddenberry: To boldly go where no one had gone before.

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