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USA Cinder VIP (subscribed member)
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 20, 2018 1:27 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


American stand-up comedian Jeff Foxworthy said:





If you're shopping in a Home Depot store, and

someone who doesn't work there offers you assistance,

you may live in Canada.



If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,

you may live in Canada.



If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation

with someone who dialled a wrong-number,

you may live in Canada.



If 'vacation' means going anywhere

south of Detroit for the weekend,

you may live in Canada.



If you measure distance in hours,

you may live in Canada.



If you know several people who have

hit a deer more than once,

you may live in Canada.



If you've switched from 'HEAT' to 'AIR-CONDITIONING'

and back again, in the same day,

you may live in Canada.



If you can drive 90 kilometres an hour

through 2 feet of snow,

during a raging blizzard,

without flinching,

you may live in Canada.



If you install security lights on your house and

garage, but leave both unlocked,

you may live in Canada.



If you carry jumper-cables in your car,

and your wife knows how to use them,

you may live in Canada.



If you design your child's Halloween

costume to fit over a snowsuit,

you may live in Canada.



If the speed limit on the highway is 100 km/hour,

and you're going at 120,

and everyone's passing you,

you may live in Canada.



If driving is better in the winter because

all the potholes are filled with snow,

you may live in Canada.



If you know all four seasons:

Almost-winter,

Winter,

Still-winter,

and Road Construction:

you may live in Canada.



If you have more miles on your snow-blower

than on your car,

you may live in Canada.



If you think of minus-2-degrees as being

'a little chilly',

you may live in Canada.



If you actually understand these jokes

and forward them to your friends,

you definitely ARE Canadian ... and proud to be.
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 20, 2018 1:29 am   Post subject: Friday dinner Reply with quote


Each Friday night after work, sun, snow, or rain, Jack, being from Newfoundland, would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a moose steak.
But, all of Jack’s neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled moose steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Jack, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Jack attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said: “You were born a Protestant and raised a Protestant, but now you are a Catholic.”

Jack’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled moose filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Jack’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Jack, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: “You wuz born a moose, you wuz raised a moose, but now you is a codfish.
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 20, 2018 1:45 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


Cinder wrote:
Each Friday night after work, sun, snow, or rain, Jack, being from Newfoundland, would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a moose steak.
But, all of Jack’s neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled moose steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Jack, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Jack attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said: “You were born a Protestant and raised a Protestant, but now you are a Catholic.”

Jack’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled moose filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Jack’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Jack, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: “You wuz born a moose, you wuz raised a moose, but now you is a codfish.
OMFG! I just fell out of my chair from reading this!
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"Injustice, poverty, slavery, ignorance - these may be cured by reform or revolution. But men do not live only by fighting evils. They live by positive goals, individual and collective, a vast variety of them, seldom predictable, at times incompatibl
Poland molossus VIP (subscribed member)
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 20, 2018 2:46 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


Thank you Cinder! Very Happy

Cinder wrote:

If you can drive 90 kilometres an hour

through 2 feet of snow,

during a raging blizzard,

without flinching,

you may live in Canada.


BTW: Shouldn't it be "through half a meter of snow"? Wink
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But they sound like a million colors in your mind"</i>
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 02, 2018 6:19 pm   Post subject: Rednecks are not Medics Reply with quote


Rednecks have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously




Medical Term Redneck Definition
Artery The study of paintings
Bacteria Back door to cafeteria
Barium What doctors do when patients die
Benign What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan Searching for Kitty
Cauterize Made eye contact with her
Colic A sheep dog
Coma A punctuation mark
Dilate To live long
Enema Not a friend
Fester Quicker than someone else
Fibula A small lie
Impotent Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff A Doctor's cane
Morbid A higher offer
Nitrates Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
Node I knew it
Outpatient A person who has fainted
Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative A letter carrier
Recovery Room Place to do upholstery
Rectum Nearly killed him
Secretion Hiding something
Seizure Roman Emperor
Tablet A small table
Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport
Tumor One plus one more
Urine Opposite of you're out
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 29, 2018 7:14 pm   Post subject: How many .... Reply with quote


How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Charismatics: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Jehovah's Witnesses: Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!
Mormons: Just one, after his wives have gotten on the school bus.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 29, 2018 7:18 pm   Post subject: Verbs Reply with quote


You can’t run through a campground – you can only ran because it’s past tents.
~~~~~~~


Q: What do you say when you are comforting a grammar nazi?
A: There, Their, They're

Q: What's another name for Santa's elves?
A: Subordinate Clauses.

Q: How does an English teacher punish a valley girl?
A: Assign a 10-15 page research paper on the bastardization of the word "like"

Q: What is Grammar?
A: The difference between knowing your shit, and knowing you're shit.

Q: How do you spell mousetrap?
A: C-A-T.

Q: What is Black and white and read (red) all over?
A: A newspaper

~~~~~~~~~~
English Professor "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 30, 2018 12:01 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


Keep 'em coming, Cin! Funny as... Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 09, 2018 9:22 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


Signs of Christmas Everywhere


Bridal boutique: “Marry Christmas.”

Department store: “Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd.”

Jewelry store: “Diamond tiaras - $70,000. Three for $200,000.”

Outside a Church: “The original Christmas Club.”

Reducing salon: “24 Shaping Days until Christmas.”

Stationery store: “For the man who has everything... a calendar to remind him when payments are due.”

Toy Store: “Ho, ho, ho spoken here.”
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A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please.
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2019 9:21 pm   Post subject: DEFINITIONS. Reply with quote


DEFINITIONS.


ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.


And MY Personal Favorite!!

WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines.
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2019 9:22 pm   Post subject: New, New Math Reply with quote


New, New Math


1. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80. Did he make a profit ? Yes or No

4. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number
20.

5. Teaching Math In 2000s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of
$20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question: How did the birds and
squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong
answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok).

6. Teaching Math In 2010
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la
producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a
front for his pot farm.
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2019 9:23 pm   Post subject: Football Reply with quote


Old Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says,'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.'
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2019 9:29 pm   Post subject: MURPHY'S OTHER 13 LAWS Reply with quote


MURPHY'S OTHER 13 LAWS -----


1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.

5. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

6. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

7. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

8. It is said that, if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

9. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

11. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

13. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2019 9:32 pm   Post subject: A long one Reply with quote


This is priceless....says a lot about why things are the way they are in government! A DC 'airport ticket agent' offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's staffer, who wanted to go to Cape Town . I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa . '' His response -- click..

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas ... When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m, and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?''

I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca is (FAT – Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. A Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11 A Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12 A New Jersey Congressman called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Could ANYONE be this DUMB? YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.
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