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USA Cinder VIP (subscribed member)
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2011 6:35 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out
marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They
stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard and down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly we realized why: we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 16, 2011 8:20 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


Here are some thoughts from other golfers....I might have sent it to you to pass along to another.


These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
~ Sam Snead

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.
~ George Brett

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.
~ Jim Murray

The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.
~ Mickey Mantle

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them
~ Kevin Costner-He did the movie "Tin Cup"

I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par..
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree..
~ Brian Weis

Swing hard in case you hit it.
~ Dan Marino

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.
~ Lord Robertson

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
~ Jack Benny

There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground..
~ Ben Hogan

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best
~ Jack Nicklaus

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.
~ H G Wells

I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.
~ Billy Graham

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf..
~ Bob Hope

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
~ Henny Youngman

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
~ Lee Trevino

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
~ Lee Trevino
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A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please.
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 25, 2011 6:12 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


Mom Has The Flu

Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by her well-meaning husband.

Monday A.M.
Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six.

Tuesday A.M.
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in their Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.

Wednesday A.M.
Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister? If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot to look for Chris' missing shoes? We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.

Thursday A.M.
Doris: Don't panic over the water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to the following:
1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
2. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
3. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy's hand?
4. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door?
I don't know what you're having for lunch. Surprise me!

Friday A.M.
Hey: Don't drink from the pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be done, the house cleaned and dinner on time. I called your mother.
_________________
A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please.
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 5:58 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


First you must learn how to pronounce the major cities: Burminham; Huntsvul; Mobeeeel

Driving Information: Alabama has its own version of traffic rules. The truck with the loudest exhaust goes next at a four-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that. (Note: Blue-haired ladies driving anything have the right-of-way anytime.)

To find anything in Burminham, it is required that you know where Malfunction Junction is, which is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. It may be one of only two 'cloverleaf formation' interchanges in the world. We invented it and only one other city was stupid enough to implement it again Atlanta -- making them only a wee bit dumber than we are.

The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. If the term 'merging delays' is ever used by the person reporting the traffic, even in passing, call in to work and tell them that you will be at least 30 minutes late regardless of where you are in your commute. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be (at the very least) rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. This applies to male and female drivers alike.

You must know that 'I-459,' 'I-59,' 'I-20,' and 'I-65' are the same road. They just loop around, cutting in and out of each other's path. We think this was a ploy utilized to confuse outsiders and discourage visitors after the War of Northern Aggression.

Always, always, always, find out if it is a race or football weekend before you get on any of these highways to travel somewhere. If it is a race or football weekend, stay home. You won't be pleasantly going anywhere else.

Construction is a permanent fixture in Alabama . The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a little more interesting.

If someone has their turn signal on, wave them over to the shoulder immediately to let them know -- you can be sure it was 'accidentally activated'.

The minimum acceptable speed on 'I-65' (see above) is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

This is also Alabama 's state-highway-sponsored version of NASCAR -- especially during rush hour (see above) and everyone in the city is driving at once, bumper-to-bumper. If you are in the left lane and only going 70 in a 55-65 zone, you are considered a road hazard, and will be 'flipped a bird' accordingly.

Do not gawk at the woman in the car beside you in traffic who is applying make-up, drinking a Diet Coke, smoking a Marlboro, and maintaining a steady speed of 85 mph on I-65 in rush hour traffic. If she is coming from north of Burminham, she might be packing. If she is coming from south of Burminham, she IS packing, is expert in using it, - and is not afraid to use
it.

Weather Information:

If it's 110 degrees, Thanksgiving could be next weekend. If it's 10-20 degrees and sleeting or snowing, then watch out. Burminham residents consider this 'demolition derby' day and will be all over the roads (front ways, sideways, etc). Please proceed with caution, as you could be the next target.

Seasonal Information:

If you stick to the seats in your vehicle, it is Spring. If you need to let the car 'get some air' while standing next to it with the doors open for a minute before you can stick your upper body inside to crank it and get the air going, it is Summer. If you are sweating even with the windows down, driving 55 mph, it is Fall. If you finally turn the AC off and roll your windows up, it is Winter.

General Information:

Do not ever speak during the song ' Sweet Home Alabama ' unless it is to sing along with the lyrics. This is a form of heresy and will erupt in a brawl if everyone doesn't show 'proper respect' to the band who gave us Free Bird. This is especially true if alcohol is present (notice I didn't say 'sold at this event,' but 'present').

Yes, we know that Vulcan is mooning the entire city of Burminham .
It's not that funny to us anymore, and by now we're used to it.

If you ask someone for a 'coke,' they will often ask you, 'What kind?' This is not a trick question. Tell them what you want: Sprite, Dr.Pepper, Root Beer, etc., it is all 'coke'.

All tea is sweet. If it's not sweet, you are in a Chinese restaurant or have crossed the Mason-Dixon Line .

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 of them live in Alabama .

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Alabama , plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

'Fixinto' is one word.

There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is only dinner and then supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

Backards and Fowards means 'I know everything about you.

DGeet is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

You measure distance in minutes.

You'll probably have to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.

There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

The first day of deer season is a national holiday.

100 degrees Fahrenheit is 'a little warm'.

We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite pass time.

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no stinking driver's ed .... if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

If you understand these jokes please forward them to your friends from Alabama (and those who just wish they were). EVERYONE can't be a Alabamian; it takes talent. You might say it's an art form or a gift from God!
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 8:01 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


lol Cinder takes her jokes seriously.
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 08, 2011 6:50 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


Nice stuff Cinder! Thanks for keeping this thread alive. Wink

Short one from me:

A priest and two pastors in a boat in the middle of a lake.

The first pastor says "I'm thirsty". He stands up, walks across the water and gets a soda. He then goes back to the boat.

The second pastor says "Great, now I'm thirst too". He gets up, walks on the water, gets a soda and goes back.

The priest looks at them both, not quite believing what he just saw but thinking that if it worked for them, it should work for him too. He stands up and says "I'm thirsty as well" before to walk off the boat and immediately sink in the lake.

The first pastor looks at the second and then says "maybe we should have told him where the stepping stone were."
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 05, 2012 11:52 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


Once there was a violinist who got a gig to play a recital at a mental institution. He played the recital brilliantly, and backstage after the concert, he got a visit from one of the institutionalized patients.

"Oh, the concert you played was just lovely. The Paganini caprice was stunning, the counterpoint in the Bach came out so clearly, and the phrasing in your Debussy was just exquisite!", said the patient.

"Why, thank you," said the musician (thinking this person seemed pretty normal for a institutionalized person). "Are you by chance a musician?"

"Oh yes, I was concertmaster of an orchestra for many years, I've played all of the major concertos: Tchaikowsky, Brahms, Mozart, all the major ones." said the patient.

"Wow, that's impressive," said the violinist. "Did you do recitals as well?"

"Oh yes, I've done all the major sonatas, Ravel, Grieg, Beethoven, all of the major ones," said the patient.

"Wow! Did you ever do chamber music?" asked the violinist.

"Oh yes. Duets, trios, quintets, sextets, all the major repertoire," said the patient.

Puzzled, the violinist asked "Did you ever play string quartets?"

All of the suddenly the patient went berserk and shouted "String quartets!... String quartets!... String quartets!... "
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 05, 2012 12:51 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


Let that be a warning Bp. Music can drive you crazy. So here I have a similar one from my field of business:

A guy strands his car alongside the fence of a mentals institutions due to a flat tire. He opens his trunk, gets out his spare tyre and changes the flat tyre. At that moment the 4 bolts roll into the sewerpit. In despair he looks around and sees a young man behind the fence. Not believing he could be of any help because his state of mind he just got angry on himself and slams his fist on the car. Then the mental patient says: Why don't you remove one bolt from each other wheel so you attach that spare?
Surprised by this marvel of genius the man wonders why such a beautiful mind is instituted and promises to do everything in his powers to rehabilitate the young men.
He acts as proposed and the minute he drives of a large brick is thrown through his rearwindow.
"Don't forget that, hey!!!"
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 23, 2012 8:56 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


A granddad asks his grandson, just turned 13 if he was already thinking about sex, or if he even had some. "No", said the kid "but I will in 14 days..."
"In 14 days, what's so special in 14 days then?" grandpa asks
"Then I'll become an altarboy!"
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 9:13 am   Post subject: Teenagers and religion Reply with quote


Why did God ask Abraham to sacrifice Isaac when Isaac was 12?


Answer: Spoiler:
Because if he waited until Isaac was 13, it wouldn't have been a sacrifice!

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 9:47 am   Post subject: Re: Teenagers and religion Reply with quote


maddy wrote:
Why did God ask Abraham to sacrifice Isaac when Isaac was 12?


Answer: Spoiler:
Because if he waited until Isaac was 13, it wouldn't have been a sacrifice!


Laughing true! My "Isaac" is 14 years old and I confirm! Laughing
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 2:18 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


Laughing
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 06, 2012 1:12 am   Post subject: Kids say.... Reply with quote







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PostPosted: Fri Jul 06, 2012 1:12 am   Post subject: Sweets for SST Reply with quote



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PostPosted: Tue Nov 20, 2012 10:00 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


Time for a little revival:

Quote:
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber.

“That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

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