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Joke thread
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Wolf
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 01, 2004 2:30 pm   Post subject: Joke thread Reply with quote


Just to put some fun mood on the forum (not that it is missing, btw Wink)

Good joke found while going around on the net (on the BBC website)

President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House carrying a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for Vice-President Cheney, and I got one for Defence Secretary Rumsfeld."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."

Comment who wants... And feel free to add jokes to this thread. Wink
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 02, 2004 12:28 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


During the Clinton years, they were Arkansas Razorbacks and Clinton, "got one for Hilary and the other for Chelsea." Wink
Wolf
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 02, 2004 2:45 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


Heh! They always change them. Wink

Here is another one:

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the kerb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there - the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

Wink
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 03, 2004 3:54 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


Hmmm... no one replies or adds jokes?

Oh well, here is another one I found:

The following instructions were (allegedly) found on consumer products:

On a hairdryer - "Do not use while sleeping."

On a bar of soap - "Directions: Use like regular soap."

On a packet of frozen dinners - "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

On a dessert (printed on bottom) - "Do not turn upside down."

On a kind of pudding - "Product will be hot after heating."

On packaging for an iron - "Do not iron clothes on body."

On Children's Cough Medicine - "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

On a sleep aid - "Warning: May cause
drowsiness."

On Christmas lights - "For indoor or outdoor use only."

On a Japanese food processor - "Not to be used for the other use."

On Sainsbury's peanuts - "Warning: contains nuts."
(news flash)

On an airline packet of nuts - "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On a child's Superman costume - "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."


No comments.... Rolling Eyes
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 03, 2004 4:06 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


Ok... those of you who remember Yvond... He would have been ready to crucify me for this one...

"On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St Peter to admit them to Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St Peter shows up, they ask him.

St Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go and find out."

The couple sit and wait for an answer... for a couple of months. As they wait, they discuss whether IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, they SHOULD actually go ahead with it, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wonder. "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St Peter finally returns looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" say the couple. "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" ask the frightened couple.

"Oh, COME ON!!" St Peter shouts. "It took me three months to find a PRIEST up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 03, 2004 5:21 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


Laughing Good one Wolf!

Question How do you know when it is bedtime at Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch?

Spoiler:
Exclamation When the big hand touches the little hand.

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 03, 2004 6:03 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


LOL! I read the spoiler.

I am still looking for a good one to reply...
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 03, 2004 6:29 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


Since Wolf already made fun of priests and lawyers, I'll cover doctors:


Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The
general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck,
flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," and shoots at it but
misses and the bird flies away. The next bird flies overhead and
the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a
bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking
sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the
bird is long gone. A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his
gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and
turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

* No animals were injured in the telling of this joke *

jeff
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 03, 2004 9:12 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


JERIC: LMAO!! That's wrong! LOL
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 03, 2004 11:19 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


LOL JERIC.
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 03, 2004 1:14 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


Ok, I'll give this a go...

A man visits a doctor.
"Doctor," he says, "I need your help. I can't find a girlfriend. I've joined clubs, been to discos, even asked out strangers and nothing works. What is wrong with me?"
So the doctor does some tests on the man and finally asks him to go behind the screen and strip. After examining the man the doctor asks him to get dressed again and join him at his desk.
"Yes, I see the problem," the doctor says, "you have Zacchary disease"
"Zacchary disease?" the man replies, "what's Zacchary disease?"
The doctor tells him:
"It means your face is Zacchary the same as you ass"

...ahem...
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 03, 2004 1:38 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


budump-bump-tsssh

Laughing
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 03, 2004 1:59 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


Alright... time for me to join in.

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 03, 2004 2:12 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


Anyways, it's like I've always said:

I hope to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather... and not screaming in terror like his passengers.
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 03, 2004 3:18 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


Ok... I have something on priests today...

Two priests are talking to each other, a catholic one and a jewish one.

The Catholic tells the Jewish one: You see, this is how I decide where the collected money goes. I draw a line on the floor and then I trow all the money in the air. All that falls on the left of the line is for God and what falls on the right is for me."

And the Jew replies: "Oh... I do the same, but without the line. All the money that stays in the air is for God and waht falls down is for me."

Lame... very lame...
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