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Joke thread
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USA Cinder VIP (subscribed member)
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 25, 2010 3:32 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


This one is a bit late out of Toronto when the big meeting and all the world was there...the G20.


A man dressed in Harley Davidson leathers is visiting the zoo in
Toronto , Ontario when he sees a little girl leaning into the bars of
the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion
grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to
slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker without hesitation runs to the cage and hits the lion square
on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion
jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her
terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A Canadian press reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter
addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave
thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind
bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt
right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm
a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on
the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political
affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a police officer in town for the G20 and a
Conservative.' The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed
brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: "CANADIAN
COP ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH"

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.
_________________
A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please.
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 26, 2010 2:33 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


"Allo,
You're with Irma, the clairvoyant. The stars have no secrets for me and I can read your future easily. You can ask any question cause I know everything.
Who's calling?"
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 30, 2010 4:30 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


Some science jokes for a slow Monday:


The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.

A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve superconductors here." The superconductor leaves without putting up any resistance.

A higgs-boson walks into a church. The priest says "higgs-bosons aren't allowed in here." The higgs-boson says "but without me, how can you have mass?"

To get to the other side.
Why did the tachyon cross the road?

Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.

A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve neutrinos in here." The neutrino says "I was just passing through."
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"Anything one man can imagine,
other men can make real."
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Wolf
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 19, 2010 5:11 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


A little one I read recently (I'm still alive, yes Wink ):

A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so whan he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.

The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor:

"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"

The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language: "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."
_________________
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 21, 2010 7:46 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


Some more fun from kids' exams/essays

Science:
One of the most important farces is the farce that pulls things to the ground. This farce is called gravy.

Helicopters are cleverer than planes. Not only can they fly through the air they can also hoover.

History:
In wartime Children who lived in big cities had to be evaporated because it was safer in the country.

Then Joan of Ark met her end. She was burned as a steak.

Maths:
The total is when you add up all the numbers and a remainder is an animal that pulls santa on his slay.

I would like to be an accountant but you have to know a lot about moths.

If it is less than 90 degrees it is a cute angel.

History:
Sometimes in the war they take prisners and keep them as ostriges until the war is over. Some prisners end up in consterpation camps.

Sir Walter Raleigh circumcised the world with a big clipper.

Religious Studies:
A mosque is a sort of church. The main difference is that its roof is doomed.

I asked my mum why we said old men at the end of prayers at skool, I don't know any old men apart from grandpa.

If you marry two people you are a pigamist, but morons are allowed to do this.

Holidays: On our activity holiday Dad wanted to ride the hores but mom said they were too ekspensiv.

Geography: The closet town to France is Dover. You can get to France on a train or you can go on a fairy.

In geography we learned that countries with sea round them are islands and ones without sea are incontinents.

In Scandinavia, the Danish people come from Denmark, the Norwegians come from Norway and the Lapdancers come from Lapland.

The Arts:
... and at the end of the show we all sing away in a manager.

In last year's Christmas concert Linzi played the main prat. I played one of the smaller prats and I would like to have a bigger prat this year.

Natural History:
Crabs and creatures like them all belong to a family of crushed asians.
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 11:35 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


Very good ones there Dragonel! A bit scary though.

One short one:

Two a blonde catches up with a school friend she has not seen in years.

"I've been married three times," she says.

"Any children?" the friend asks

"No, all three were adults, she replies.
_________________
Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate... leads to suffering.
Austria bpewien
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 28, 2011 10:00 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


SMART ARSED ANSWERS 2010

6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the
front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.


5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said,
"Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."


4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."


3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.
"Ive been waiting for you all day," the bobby said.
The kid replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.


2nd Place

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read "Low Bridge Ahead".
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, ehe?"
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol!"


SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2010

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final
exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed boy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said,
"Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand".
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then it will because it is good - Jerry Goldsmith (1929-2004)
Austria bpewien
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2011 5:12 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


How much Cocaine has Charlie Sheen done?

Enough to kill two and a half men...

Razz Razz Razz Razz Razz
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 26, 2011 12:36 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


A well written Police Report

"Orville Smith, a store manager for BEST BUY in Augusta, Georgia, told police he observed a male customer, later identified
as Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket.
When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.

Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots" program.
Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back.
The injury did not appear to be severe.
After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment.

The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth,
possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw........ injuries he sustained when he
slipped and fell off the curb after stabbing the Marine."



Now, that's a well written Police report.
_________________
A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please.
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 3:26 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


lmao!!! Really good one Cinder!
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 04, 2011 7:32 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote


Next Season on Survivor

Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?

Mayor Bloomberg (NYC), Kathy Black (NYC Schools' Chancellor), Governor Walker ( Wis ) and Governor Christie (NJ) will be dropped in an elementary school classroom for 1 school year. Each of them will be provided with a copy of his/her school district's curriculum, and a class of 20-25 students.

Each class will have a minimum of five learning-disabled children, three with A.D.H.D., one gifted child, and two who speak limited English. Three students will be labeled with severe behavior problems.

Each of them must complete lesson plans at least 3 days in advance, with annotations for curriculum objectives and modify, organize, or create their materials accordingly. They will be required to teach students, handle misconduct, implement technology, document attendance, write referrals, correct homework, make bulletin boards, compute grades, complete report cards, document benchmarks, communicate with parents, and arrange parent conferences. They must also stand in their doorway between class changes to monitor the hallways.

In addition, they will complete fire drills, tornado drills, and [Code Red] drills for shooting attacks each month.

They must attend workshops, faculty meetings, and attend curriculum development meetings. They must also tutor students who are behind and strive to get their 2 non-English speaking children proficient enough to take the SOLS tests. If they are sick or having a bad day they must not let it show.

Each day they must incorporate reading, writing, math, science, and social studies into the program. They must maintain discipline and provide an educationally stimulating environment to motivate students at all times. If all students do not wish to cooperate, work, or learn, the teacher will be held responsible.

These people will only have access to the public golf course on the weekends, but with their new salary, they will not be able to afford it. There will be no access to vendors who want to take them out to lunch, and lunch will be limited to thirty minutes, which is not counted as part of their work day. They will be permitted to use a student restroom, as long as another survival candidate can supervise their class.

If the copier is operable, they may make copies of necessary materials before, or after, school. However, they cannot surpass their monthly limit of copies. They must also continually advance their education, at their expense, and on their own time.

The winner of this Season of Survivor will be allowed to return to their job.
_________________
A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please.
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 16, 2011 12:53 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


A Simple Explanation of Baseball

This is a game played by two teams, one out, the other in.
The one that's in sends players out one at a time to see if they can get in before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count. If they get in before they get out, it does count.

When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes out to get those going in out before they get in without being out.

When both teams have been in and out nine times, the game is over. The team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In which case, the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they get in without being out.

The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but one team has more in without being out before coming in.
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A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please.
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 16, 2011 2:56 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


Very Happy
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 17, 2011 2:26 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


Ah now I understand, only there are 9 innings right?
But where are the outings then?
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 7:27 am   Post subject: Reply with quote


The game as a whole can be an outing, I believe. An outing with innings.

jeff
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